I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
