this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
