If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
