meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
