This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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