I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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