This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
