got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
