I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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