I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
