I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
