So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
