i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
birth control should be required to get into college
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
