The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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