The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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