so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
