my phone needs a breathalizer
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
