Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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