My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
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DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
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Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.