mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.