Old men and throwing up are my life now.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit