Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
