I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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