well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
