I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
...so i touched it.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
