go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
