You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
