who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
