ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think your dad took our porno
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
