It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
