So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
