you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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