im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
How external is "for external use only"?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
