SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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