yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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