you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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