Cold hands, warm shart.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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