Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
