This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
