Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm too high and old for this...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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