Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
sarcasm needs its own font
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
