I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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