this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
