i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i need some magic done to my vagina
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
