The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
