We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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