So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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