I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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