Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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