I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
