Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
