Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
