Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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