So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
