I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
