note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
