She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You are the jesus of drinking
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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