He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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