Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
